I was talking to Ash this morning while listening to "Say Something" and tears started flowing. I never knew how much this song pertained to D's story until today.
The lyrics are as follows:
Say something, I'm giving up on you
I'll be the one, if you want me to
Anywhere I would've followed you
Say something, I'm giving up on you
And I am feeling so small
It was over my head
I know nothing at all
And I will stumble and fall
I'm still learning to love
Just starting to crawl
Say something, I'm giving up on you
I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you
Anywhere I would've followed you
Say something, I'm giving up on you
And I will swallow my pride
You're the one that I love
And I'm saying goodbye
I remember sitting in my living room when I was 13 or 14 weeks along. I had already been bleeding, in horrible pain, in constant fear, constant guilt from ignoring my 2 living children, and constant depression from the severe loneliness that accompanies bed rested moms (take notes friends - it's lonely, and moms who are on bed rest NEED interaction and help!). My dear friend asked "Aren't you done with this? Do you pray that it will just be done so you can feel better and get back to your two children who need you?" This is WHY I LOVE this friend. She is always honest. She asks hard questions that others are afraid to voice. YES - yes I was, at that point, praying that the pregnancy to heal or stop. I was exhausted. I was mentally drained in every sense of the word. Tears covered my face more times in a day than I had ever experienced before. My miscarriage was less pain than this fear and anxiety ad guilt I was living DAILY. I had been bleeding now and being told to abort and that I would go home and pass a moving fetus 2-3 times a WEEK, for 5 weeks by that point. yes, I was done and ready for it to be over.
I told her this. Yes. I pray it will be over but I also pray that God's will be done. This is NOT my decision. I will do everything in my power to keep Baby #3 healthy and alive and when HE decides that he is too tired and wants to go - I will swallow my pride, and let him. I will go through the pain. I will give up, for HIM. At that point, I didn't know him. I didn't know the love I know now. I knew I would love him with all my heart and I knew I wanted him. But I was still learning to love him and with all the stress and pain that I was facing with, it made it that much harder to connect to him. Yes, I secretly just wanted the pregnancy to be over.
But it wasn't my choice. Abortion - I could have opted for and got my "life" back. But it wasn't up to me. it was up to Darius. That kid had a fight in him. A fight that I rarely even see in grown Adults. The stuff we went through - just shocking. The stress he must have felt through me. The lack of water to make him comfortable. The constant magnesium pushes and loss of blood. It wasn't my choice though. My life was hard, near unbearable, depressing, and excruciating - and yet, still, was not my choice. He was a living, moving, heart-beating person and he had to choice.
Say something, I'm giving up on you. I'll be the one, IF you want me to. I will swallow my pride. I'm in over my head. SAY SOMETHING!!!! Anything. LET me give up but YOU must say something. It's up to you baby boy.
Darius said something. He said that he chose LIFE. He chose to FIGHT. He chose to survive 14 weeks of severe blood loss and pain, 2 1/2 weeks of very little fluid to help him grow, 99 days of NICU - transfusions, tests, many many sticks and needles, constantly being bothered, never sleeping longer than 3 hours without nurses picking at him, loneliness in his bed when mommy was home sleeping, no heartbeat to listen to, no floating and freedom of the womb, bright lights, and constant bee pings. Darius chose ALL of that - so that he could LIVE.
Babies are able to make their own chose about their lives. I know they don't know how to count or sing or walk. But they know how much they can handle. I've seen it in the NICU. They have a will and a fight to survive. So let THEM be the one to say something. Let THEM chose life or death. Abortion is taking that choice away from them - and that's not fair. I've seen it with my own eyes for MONTHS - the will to live. Let's not take that away. Let's help moms in distress so they have the strength and encouragement to make it through the 9 months of pregnancy. I had help, I had encouragement. Without it, I don't know if I would have been strong enough either. Give help and encouragement so that abortion isn't the fearful options.
I am so thankful I let D say something. He never did. He hung in there, even on those days I was begging him just to let go so we could all be at peace. He didn't. And I am so so thankful that he was strong for both of us. I didn't have to let go and suffer through the loss of my son. He hung on and I supported him.
http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/greatbigworld/saysomething.html
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