Choose... but choose wisely

Yesterday the nurses started noticing some arrhythmias showing up on D's monitor.  They watched it all afternoon while I was at home with the kids.  Then, when I got back around 9 pm, - I started visibly noticing the changes in his heart beat as well.  I stayed until 1:30 am - wanting to make sure he was "good" before I went home to grab a couple of hours of sleep.  

I got home - excited for my bed, for sleep, for release from the stress of the day. 

I walked into my room to find this adorable, blond-haired boy sitting in my bed.  When  I started cuddling with him (he has been extremely clingy in the last week or two) - I noticed he was hot.  Sure enough, low-grade fever.  Gave him some meds and started rushing him to bed.  After all, I was exhausted and HAD to get some sleep.  

We take Cy to his room and smell and stink.  Lu had spoiled her diapers and of course taken her diaper off and left us some beautiful artwork.  I stood and laughed.  And laughed.  And laughed.  Um.. my very very tired husband - well, he was NOT laughing and actually was perturbed that I was laughing so much.  Naturally, the kids joined in and we were all laughing... though I don't think they realized that mommy was laughing to keep her cool and sanity.  But whatev! Laugh along kids... laugh along.  For now.  ;-) 

I came to the hospital today and told them of Cy's small fever (he woke up fever-free) and they are now not letting me hold Darius for 12+ hours to make sure I'm ok.  If I go home, I cannot come back - if I am exposed to fever or have symptoms, I have to be away from sickness/symptoms/fever for 24 hours before coming back to NICU.  With Darius' heart in question, I cannot risk getting sick and not being there fi he needs to procedure.  

Choose.  Which child will you care for today? Choose wisely.  Who needs you more? Who notices your presence more? How will the other feel if you neglect their needs? Choose a child.  NO mother should have to choose which child to care for.  It is the most unnatural, painful feeling.  I often wondered: "How will I love this baby who is being formed in my womb as much as I love this living child?! Do I have enough love? I don't think I could ever love more than I love my 1st born"... NOPE! I love them each and every one - equally.  I love them with every fiber of my being.  I love them enough that I would literally give ANYTHING for them - even my life.  HOW, then, am I to choose which child to sit bedside to? 

Choose.  Didn't God have to choose too? Didn't He choose to let His Son be crucified, so that His other "children" could be saved? I now understand even more what God felt on that day - when he watched, as His first born suffered.  Oh the sacrifices God made for you and I.  What He gave, what He felt, the anguish, the helplessness, the UNNATURALNESS. 

I am now hospital stuck.  I cannot go home until Cy is better - and that is breaking me! Literally breaking me.  I just spoke to cardiologist for D and an EKG was just done.  Now it's a waiting game to see how he is doing.  It's a waiting game to see when I can come home.  So I am waiting. 

But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint. - Isaiah 40:31 

Also, a huge thank you to my mom for staying with Cy today - if i would want ANYONE to be with him - it's my mom.  She always babied us sooo well when we were sick.  I'm sure he is home being babied even more than my NICU baby is ;-) 

Emotional Roller Coaster

Sitting here with D.  3:20 pm - been here since 9 am.  About to leave and run to spend time with my two oldest kids until 8 pm when I will head back up here for the rest of the night.

He was doing so well yesterday.  We put him back on high-flow (the oxygen that goes over his ears - small, less pressure, HUGE step!).  This morning, we put him back on CPAP (head gear, more pressure to help him breath) because he was working too hard.  A chest xray was called for and found that one of his lungs has collapsed due to the high-flow.  So we are now doing Physical Therapy (consists of them taking a very soft object and hitting him repeatedly on sides, back, and chest).  He enjoyed it.  Mommy - not so much.  At times it seems to be too much.  I want to scream "DON'T TOUCH HIM ANYMORE! LET HIM SLEEP! HE DOESN'T NEED THAT RIGHT NOW!" I feel violated.  I don't get to enjoy my baby like a new mom should.  I don't want him to get pricked and messed with every 3 hours.  I watch him brady and apnea and his heart rate drop drastically.  I watch as we try to get him to "wake up" and breath.  I watch us take 2 steps forward - 1 step back.  I watch new nurses come in every day or 2 and try to "get to know" my son.  My individual, unique son.

Emotional Roller Coaster.

Then let's add the NICU room.  5 other babies.  People in and out - bringing in potentially deadly germs.  5 babies who take turns crying.  5 babies who need attention and tending to.  5 sets of machines beeping non-stop.  5 babies that you get to know - you know who cries the most, you know their struggles throughout the day, you see the procedures.  You know their names.  When something goes wrong - when people rush in to help - when procedures are done that have them screaming in extreme pain - YOU FEEL IT... because, well, you "know" them.  The babies with no mommy or family beside their bed day in and day out - you feel for those the most.

Emotional Roller Coaster.

I am so thankful D is doing so well - he really really is.  He's ahead of so many other 30 weekers.  For that, I praise and thank GOD - for it is through HIM that D is so strong and that Ash and I have remained strong as well.  But that doesn't take away the struggles.  The pain.  The frustrations.  The noises.  The sadness.  The longing for your baby to just be back in your belly - safe, warm, and not having to work SOO hard.  It's a daily emotional roller coaster with high anxiety - because at any moment, they can come in and say "D's lung has collapsed, here's what we need to do...."

For Such a Time as This

Esther 4:14, Mordecai tells Esther that she was placed in her situation for "such a time as this".  Wayne Watson sang a song, the lyrics keep going through my mind this week: 

I was placed upon the earth
To hear the voice of God
And do His will, whatever it is
For now and all the days He gives
I am here, I am here and I am His
For such a time as this

Through this journey with Darius - I have been shown time and time again that this trial, while hard and sometimes near unbearable, is to bring God glory.  Is to bring me to rooms, in contact with people, and in situations that I can pray and share my faith to others.  For such a time as this - I am here to do HIS will.  

Many are asking for updates and while I could update on FB - I think updating here would be better and I can give more detail here.  I never knew how HARD bed rest or NICU was for moms.  Never.  I never even had an idea.  I could "guess" and try to empathize.  Now that I am in the midst of this - I see that I had NO idea what moms, kids, and families went through with bed rest and NICU.  I pray that my blog will also help those who have never been in either of these situations to be able to understand more, to be able to empathize more.  So I will try and be honest and open - NOT for anyone to "feel sorry for me" or feel like they need to do something.  But because I have felt led to share my story for others to understand this journey.  

Ok so for a quick update:
Darius is doing well.  He has lost 40-50 grams today alone because of the fact that he isn't eating :-/ He is now below his birth weight.  That hit hard since it took us 17 days to get his birth weight back.  But it's for the best so we'll take it at stride.  We are stopping feeds to give his belly a rest from the CPAP air. Other than that - he is doing great.  There are so many babies born at 25.6 weeks have more serious problems.  I am so thankful to God that He has helped Darius and given Ashkan and I strength for this.

More to come when it's not 2 am and I am falling asleep :-)