Choose... but choose wisely

Yesterday the nurses started noticing some arrhythmias showing up on D's monitor.  They watched it all afternoon while I was at home with the kids.  Then, when I got back around 9 pm, - I started visibly noticing the changes in his heart beat as well.  I stayed until 1:30 am - wanting to make sure he was "good" before I went home to grab a couple of hours of sleep.  

I got home - excited for my bed, for sleep, for release from the stress of the day. 

I walked into my room to find this adorable, blond-haired boy sitting in my bed.  When  I started cuddling with him (he has been extremely clingy in the last week or two) - I noticed he was hot.  Sure enough, low-grade fever.  Gave him some meds and started rushing him to bed.  After all, I was exhausted and HAD to get some sleep.  

We take Cy to his room and smell and stink.  Lu had spoiled her diapers and of course taken her diaper off and left us some beautiful artwork.  I stood and laughed.  And laughed.  And laughed.  Um.. my very very tired husband - well, he was NOT laughing and actually was perturbed that I was laughing so much.  Naturally, the kids joined in and we were all laughing... though I don't think they realized that mommy was laughing to keep her cool and sanity.  But whatev! Laugh along kids... laugh along.  For now.  ;-) 

I came to the hospital today and told them of Cy's small fever (he woke up fever-free) and they are now not letting me hold Darius for 12+ hours to make sure I'm ok.  If I go home, I cannot come back - if I am exposed to fever or have symptoms, I have to be away from sickness/symptoms/fever for 24 hours before coming back to NICU.  With Darius' heart in question, I cannot risk getting sick and not being there fi he needs to procedure.  

Choose.  Which child will you care for today? Choose wisely.  Who needs you more? Who notices your presence more? How will the other feel if you neglect their needs? Choose a child.  NO mother should have to choose which child to care for.  It is the most unnatural, painful feeling.  I often wondered: "How will I love this baby who is being formed in my womb as much as I love this living child?! Do I have enough love? I don't think I could ever love more than I love my 1st born"... NOPE! I love them each and every one - equally.  I love them with every fiber of my being.  I love them enough that I would literally give ANYTHING for them - even my life.  HOW, then, am I to choose which child to sit bedside to? 

Choose.  Didn't God have to choose too? Didn't He choose to let His Son be crucified, so that His other "children" could be saved? I now understand even more what God felt on that day - when he watched, as His first born suffered.  Oh the sacrifices God made for you and I.  What He gave, what He felt, the anguish, the helplessness, the UNNATURALNESS. 

I am now hospital stuck.  I cannot go home until Cy is better - and that is breaking me! Literally breaking me.  I just spoke to cardiologist for D and an EKG was just done.  Now it's a waiting game to see how he is doing.  It's a waiting game to see when I can come home.  So I am waiting. 

But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint. - Isaiah 40:31 

Also, a huge thank you to my mom for staying with Cy today - if i would want ANYONE to be with him - it's my mom.  She always babied us sooo well when we were sick.  I'm sure he is home being babied even more than my NICU baby is ;-)