Emotional Roller Coaster

Sitting here with D.  3:20 pm - been here since 9 am.  About to leave and run to spend time with my two oldest kids until 8 pm when I will head back up here for the rest of the night.

He was doing so well yesterday.  We put him back on high-flow (the oxygen that goes over his ears - small, less pressure, HUGE step!).  This morning, we put him back on CPAP (head gear, more pressure to help him breath) because he was working too hard.  A chest xray was called for and found that one of his lungs has collapsed due to the high-flow.  So we are now doing Physical Therapy (consists of them taking a very soft object and hitting him repeatedly on sides, back, and chest).  He enjoyed it.  Mommy - not so much.  At times it seems to be too much.  I want to scream "DON'T TOUCH HIM ANYMORE! LET HIM SLEEP! HE DOESN'T NEED THAT RIGHT NOW!" I feel violated.  I don't get to enjoy my baby like a new mom should.  I don't want him to get pricked and messed with every 3 hours.  I watch him brady and apnea and his heart rate drop drastically.  I watch as we try to get him to "wake up" and breath.  I watch us take 2 steps forward - 1 step back.  I watch new nurses come in every day or 2 and try to "get to know" my son.  My individual, unique son.

Emotional Roller Coaster.

Then let's add the NICU room.  5 other babies.  People in and out - bringing in potentially deadly germs.  5 babies who take turns crying.  5 babies who need attention and tending to.  5 sets of machines beeping non-stop.  5 babies that you get to know - you know who cries the most, you know their struggles throughout the day, you see the procedures.  You know their names.  When something goes wrong - when people rush in to help - when procedures are done that have them screaming in extreme pain - YOU FEEL IT... because, well, you "know" them.  The babies with no mommy or family beside their bed day in and day out - you feel for those the most.

Emotional Roller Coaster.

I am so thankful D is doing so well - he really really is.  He's ahead of so many other 30 weekers.  For that, I praise and thank GOD - for it is through HIM that D is so strong and that Ash and I have remained strong as well.  But that doesn't take away the struggles.  The pain.  The frustrations.  The noises.  The sadness.  The longing for your baby to just be back in your belly - safe, warm, and not having to work SOO hard.  It's a daily emotional roller coaster with high anxiety - because at any moment, they can come in and say "D's lung has collapsed, here's what we need to do...."